11 Secrets to Success for the Single Life

When one of my dear friends, Claire, introduced me as an expert in waiting on God for a husband, I must say the introduction took me by surprise as I had never really thought of myself in that light. But after meeting with the young lady I was introduced to in this manner and sharing revelations, insights, and secrets for living the single life with contentment, I realized God has taught me a lot on this topic, especially in the last decade. While I do not claim to be an expert, I do want to be a faithful steward of all that God has revealed to me on this journey. So I have decided it is time to share the good news with other fellow singles. We need each other to stay encouraged. I hope that by me sharing the insights I have gained on my path toward contentment and living the abundant life no matter what life circumstances hold gives many other singles the freedom to enjoy life to the full more quickly. 

John 10:10 is one of my favorite verses in scripture as God has used it many times to speak to me personally about living life to the full no matter what season I am experiencing. It says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” I find it such an encouragement that Jesus came to give us abundant life. That means a life full of joy, freedom, love, peace, contentment, etc. The list goes on and on. Our relationship status does not matter when it comes to the full life. We can be single, dating, engaged, married, widowed, divorced, etc. and experience life to the full no matter what season we are in. I have known Jesus since I was three years old, but it was not until I reached 30 that I finally started grasping the abundant life daily. There is always more of God’s goodness to experience…and I say, “sign me up for that!” There is also the undeniable fact that Satan, the ultimate thief, is constantly at work to steal our joy and deceive us. So how can we have victory in living the single life and experience the fullness of life Jesus paid for on the cross? Good question. I have a few secrets that have proven true in my own life that I would love to share with you.

1. Forgive anyone from the opposite gender who has hurt you, and get rid of any bitterness you have been holding onto. Refusing to forgive invites discontentment and bitterness into your life. Once bitterness takes root, resentment and misery follow. Bitterness strangles life. Resentment keeps you locked up. The enemy may try to convince you that by not forgiving you’re punishing the person that has hurt you. But the truth is you’re actually punishing yourself when you withhold forgiveness. It’s as if you’ve locked yourself in a prison and thrown away the key. Save yourself the misery by obeying God’s Word and forgiving others quickly. True love always chooses forgiveness. There’s so much freedom to experience in forgiveness! What if you don’t feel like forgiving? My experience is that once I obey God, the feelings follow.
2. If you are idolizing your desire to have a mate, put an end to it. How do you know if you’re idolizing being with someone? Ask yourself what consumes your thoughts. If you think about being with someone more than you think about Jesus – you’ve probably made a desire to be with someone your idol. A great scripture verse I pray often to keep my heart pure and free from idolatry is Psalm 139:22-23. It says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” This is a great verse to pray to make sure your heart is aligned with God’s regarding any pitfall you have tendencies toward. You can start getting out of the pit of idolatry by first repenting and then asking God to captivate your heart. There’s no greater or sweeter romance than with Jesus. He is the One that will come for you on a white horse after all! (See Revelation 19: 11-21)
3. Release control of your love story and invite God to write it. Dr. Mitch Kruse, a man I highly respect and one who is filled with great wisdom once said to me, “For every no, God has a better yes.” It’s so true. I've seen it played out in my life in many different situations. I encourage you to trust God beyond the small picture you currently see. And when it’s difficult to do so, recount how He’s been faithful and remind yourself that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). That means He will continue to be faithful! And if you can’t remember His faithfulness, ask a friend to help you recall how God has been faithful in your life. Sometimes we need a friend to help us remember.
4. Keep your hope alive! Don’t bury your dreams, but don’t settle for less either. It’s ok to desire someone to share your life with. If you've passed that magical age you thought you’d be married by, don’t give up hope. Don’t be surprised if your idea of perfect timing is different than God’s best timing for you. I guarantee His timing is always better because He can see the big picture while you can only see in part. Go ahead, pour out your heart’s desires to God (He’s the one that placed Him there in the first place) and embrace all the emotions that come with that. Then ask God for grace to hold those desires loosely so that He can orchestrate your life and bring your desires about. Don’t give up and settle for less than God’s best for you. Feast your mind on truth that fosters hope in the waiting and  remember that Jesus came to give you life to the FULL! 
5. Know what season you are in. This has been one of the most freeing keys to being content in my singleness and one I wished I would have known about a lot sooner. Ask God what season you’re in. Is this a season to be romanced only by God? To meet lots of different people of the opposite gender but not enter into a serious relationship? (If so, be sure to communicate this up front rather than leading anyone on to believe otherwise.) To enter into a serious relationship? To prepare for marriage? (This can happen while single or dating.) To fast from dating? Hopefully you get the picture. The seasons of single life are obviously not limited to the list above. My point is simply that there are many different seasons in the single life. And if you know what season you’re in, then you can focus solely on that and not waste your energy and time elsewhere. For example, if it’s a season to be romanced only by God, I don’t allow my thoughts to be consumed with if I’ll have a date this Friday night. One word of caution – seasons can change suddenly. So it’s always important to be in constant communication with God to make sure you’re on the same page. He’s trustworthy and will notify you if you keep your gaze on Him. I don’t know about you, but I have a tendency to want formulas. God, however, often times doesn't operate with formulas. So one of the biggest lessons I had to learn in the process of knowing what season I’m in is that it’s OK to not have a time limit on any specific season. I once was in a season of fasting from dating. Figuratively speaking, I was hoping God would say to me that I would be entering that season on April 1 and exiting it on March 31. That didn't happen. Instead, I received instructions to check with Him should I be approached by a man for a date. God was teaching me to depend on Him, listen to Him, and be ready to change course when He said go. It’s easy to want to contain God’s ways in a box. I’m here to tell you that it’s impossible to do so and things go a lot more smoothly when you keep the conversation going with God. Check with the Lord, align your heart with God’s heart, and go with what the Holy Spirit is breathing on. This is a sure way to have peace no matter what season you’re experiencing.
6. Whatever season you are in; use this time of singleness to let God define you. Find out who you are in Him. I can’t think of many other gifts that are better than offering the gift of knowing yourself and what you have to offer others. What a meaningful and beautiful gift to give your spouse – a gift that keeps on giving! God made you uniquely you. No one else can fill your shoes. Discover what you like, what you don’t like, who you are, who you’re not, what gifts you have, what gifts you don’t have, etc. Ask God, “Who do you say I am?” There’s only one rule that I've adopted from a former teacher of mine, and that is this: what you hear from God needs to surprise you with its goodness. Why? Because God is simply that good! We live in a world that constantly criticizes so it can be tempting to become your own worst critic. Instead of giving into the world’s ways, it’s time to discover who God made you to be. It’s time for you to start believing you are who God says you are and then live it out!
7. Celebrate other’s love stories. You are on a unique journey specifically tailored for you so comparing your story to another’s is a fruitless activity. Jealously sparks division, while celebration not only promotes unity, but invites breakthrough in your life. If you aren't feeling like celebrating, that’s a good indicator that your breakthrough is right around the corner. Ask God to help you celebrate with your friends, choose to do so, and watch how God works to revive the hope and joy in your own life. Whatever you do, avoid the “if only” game. I’m talking about, “if I only I were Jane, I’d be married with three kids and having the time of my life.” “If only I dated Harry, I wouldn't be sitting at home along on a Friday night.” You get the picture. The pasture is always greener on the other side of the fence game just doesn't ring true. The truth is you’re always sifting through matters of the heart – whether you’re single, dating, or married. The truth is, everyone has God ordained appointments, and sometimes those are appointments are with Him alone. The truth is God brings beauty from ashes. In fact, He specializes in that! So celebrate your friend’s love stories! When your turn comes you’re going to want to have friends around to celebrate with you, right?
8. Capitalize on life as a single. Do now what you won’t be able to do as easily when you’re married. What brings you joy? Find out, make a list, and do it! Usually when we gain something, we give something up. I've watched many of my friends get married and go through a grieving process. That’s right, they grieved their single years. So don’t wish away your single years only to find that you never really lived them once you get married. That would require overtime in grieving. Not worth it. So go live up your dreams as a single!
9. Learn from your mistakes and choose differently next time. So a relationship didn't work out that you hoped would. That’s not rejection. (Remember, you’re awesome! See Psalm 139 if you don’t believe me.) It’s just there’s a better yes for you. Instead of festering in self pity, thank God for that person and make a list of all that you learned about yourself and about dating through that relationship. Use these experiences to help you know more of what you’re looking for in a mate. Make notes, learn from those mistakes, and ask God for grace to choose differently next time. Another one of my former teachers, Joaquin Evans, made a spectacular statement in his teaching one day. He said, “What you focus on grows.” It’s true. Think about it. Feed your flowers and the next thing you know, you have beautiful blossoms. Feed your weeds and the next thing you know they are strangling the beautiful flowers. But who feeds weeds? That’s just silly, right? Well, that’s what you’re doing when you entertain your worries and negative thoughts. How can you feed the flowers in your life and gain beautiful blooms? Through thanksgiving. Focus on all that you’re thankful for including what you've gained from each relationship you’ve been in. It will transform your life – I promise! Go ahead, pull the weeds and watch the gorgeous flowers bloom!
10. Stay in community. Whatever you do, stay in community! Don’t isolate yourself because isolation only makes the enemy’s voice louder and makes you more susceptible to his stealthy attacks. You NEED God’s strength and the people He’s placed in your life to stay encouraged and to be kept accountable so you don’t fall into the same pits you’ve been in previously. It’s in community that healing and wholeness takes place.
11. Declare God’s promises over your life. I think it’s so fitting that I have 11 secrets to the successful single life and that I’m ending with this one. I honestly didn't know how many secrets I would have when I began this blog post. And I certainly didn't know I would end with this one. But check out Hebrews 11:11 “By faith Abraham, even though he was past age - and Sarah herself was barren - was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise.” Abraham kept the faith and believed God to be faithful to come through on His promise. I have prayed for my future husband whenever I see the clock strike 11:11 for years. And I've prayed for my friends future spouses as well at that same time. It’s just been a beautiful reminder to lift up these desires and believe God for the promises He has made regarding these desires. One of the many ways I stay encouraged is by reviewing the promises God has made over my life and considering Him faithful who has made those promises. Scripture is filled with promises – so if you don’t have any specific promises coming to mind for you right now, just ask the Holy Spirit to hi-light His promise to you through his Word…then stand on it, declare it, and watch God work! Go ahead, be bold, and ask Him for a promise related to your desire to be married. We serve a personal God who loves to speak to us. Listen to His heart for you my friend, and be surprised by His goodness! I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe (see Ephesians 1:18-19).